Just cropdusted the office
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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