my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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