i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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