meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Randomize
