Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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