my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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