I think my fart just growled at me.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
