"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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