and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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