Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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