At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
