I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
