im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
