New low: just hacked my moms facebook
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Let's get the cat blown out
When are your genitals available?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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