I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
