Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
