im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
