she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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