So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
