I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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