It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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