my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
