did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
