I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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