I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
