She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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