Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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