I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
