im drinking this country out of the recession.
dude i'm inner monologue high
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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