When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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