So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
