my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
