I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
