I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
