holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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