dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
We got so high we made milksteak
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
