tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
