accomplished twins. life is a go
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
