He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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