Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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