Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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