Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
