can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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