wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
