So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
