There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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