Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
