highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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