Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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