Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
