he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
