True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
