I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
