I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
